


The Old Switcheroo

by red_scully



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-15 00:34:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13601781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/red_scully/pseuds/red_scully
Summary: Sheldon and Amy's first time didn't go as expected. Sheldon goes to Penny for help and gets rather more than expected.





	The Old Switcheroo

Sheldon was acting bizarre, and that was really saying something.

It started early afternoon, when he knocked on Penny's door. She hung around in the kitchen waiting until he finished his third knock, but when she opened the door he was gone. She considered going over and seeking him out, but she wasn't in the mood for dealing with a crazy person so she went back inside and resumed doing the dishes.

An hour later he knocked *just once*.

She stood by the door actually waiting for knock 2, but it never came. This was freaky enough for her to go across and investigate, in case he'd developed a head injury or something, but he didn't answer and the door was locked. What the hell.

When, 2 hours later, he began his third attempt, she caught him mid -knock. She was ashamed to admit to herself that she'd set up a chair by the door in order to do just that.

She threw the door open before he'd finished saying her name, and he squealed in surprise. Penny folded her arms and raised her eyebrows; he sheepishly finished his knocking routine, not looking at her, then stood like a statue for about five seconds before mumbling, "Ok, gotta go!" and attempting to flee the scene.

Penny was having none of it, and dragged him into the apartment by the elbow. She closed the door and leaned against it, blocking the exit. "Sheldon, what the hell is going on?"

His face started twitching. Penny rolled her eyes.

"I get it, you're supposed to keep it a secret?"

He nodded. She sighed and rubbed her face with her hands, thinking that she didn't have time for this shit.

"OK. Fine. Keep it a secret, then. But please stop badgering me." She shrugged and went to sit on the couch. Her ass was killing her after two hours sat on that stupid plastic chair. She put her feet up on the coffee table, knocking a stack of In Style magazines to the floor. This did the trick: Sheldon freaked out.

"Penny! Look at the mess you're making! Oh, my lord." He started picking them up and stacked them neatly on the table; she let him, because she was busy texting Leonard.

\- What the hell is up with Sheldon today?

\- I have no idea. He was sat on the sofa staring into space when I got up this morning.

\- He didn't say anything?

\- Not a single word.

\- Freaky.

\- I know.

When she looked up from her phone, Sheldon was perched on the edge of the armchair, legs folded up towards him. He looked utterly ridiculous and his face was still twitching.

She sighed for seemed like the millionth time.

"Sheldon, do you want me to call Amy?"

The words had barely left Penny's mouth before he started protesting. "No! Please don't call Amy! I'm really FINE." He promptly fell off the armchair then, crashing face first into the floor.

Penny jumped up in alarm. "Oh my god! Are you ok, sweetie? Here, let me." She took his hand and pulled him to his feet. He was all red in the face and was twitching more than ever before. He didn't let go of her hand once he was up. He looked at her funny. What. The. Hell.

Then he ran off, slamming the door.

Penny shook her head. What was that?!

When the phone rang an hour later, Penny knew it would be Amy. "Ames! What the hell is going on with -"

"I don't want to talk about it, ok?! But, um, can you come over for a bit? And bring wine." Amy hung up.

Staring at her phone in confusion, Penny sighed deeply. Now she was gonna have to get dressed.

\--

It took almost three glasses of wine for Amy to start talking. This was alarming because she normally got tipsy after just one. It was also annoying because Penny only brought one bottle with her, and Amy drank almost all of it.

"So Sheldon's cuuuute, right?" she slurred, waving her glass around. "don'tcha think, bestie?"

Penny nodded. "Sure, sure. He's cute. He's also crazy. What's going on?"

Amy cleared her throat, then belched. "It's fiiiine."

Five seconds ticked by and then she started sobbing. "It's not fiiine! It's all gone wrong!" She curled up against Penny's shoulder, wailing pathetically as seconds ticked by into long minutes. After what felt like about nine years, she stopped crying, sniffed heavily, and sat up. She looked right into Penny's eyes.

"Sheldon and I had sex yesterday."

Penny almost recoiled in shock. But before she could do anything other than make odd gasping noises, Amy carried on. "And I HATED IT, bestie! It was horrible! All dirty and wet and I felt so stupid!"

At this point Penny picked up the wine bottle and started to pour the dregs straight down her throat. Amy carried on rambling.

"So then this morning when we both woke up in the same bed, instead of feeling like a woman at last, I just wanted him to go away and return to being vaguely repulsed by my body. But it turns out... Sheldon LOVES sex."

Penny spat wine across the room.

"He wanted to do it again this morning! And when I said I didn't want to, he got really mad and left. And now I'm all alooooooone!" Her sobbing resumed, with even more gusto than before. Penny struggled to extricate herself from the drunken hug and ran to fetch a towel to mop up the wine on the table. Anything to distract herself from processing this new and horrifying information, she thought, picking up the glasses and empty bottle and wiping down the wooden surface.

By 1am, Penny's patience was shot. Amy had stopped crying, but was refusing to discuss the situation any further beyond repeatedly bemoaning the fact that sex was "gross". She refused to go to bed because it was "the scene of the crime." Eventually she passed out on the sofa, at which point Penny covered her with a blanket and scarpered, planning to fabricate some story tomorrow about a fictional conversation where Amy told her to leave. Sober as a judge by now, she drove back home through the dark streets, her brain doing somersaults as she tried to work out how to handle this ridiculous new situation. She hoped it was all a big misunderstanding: it was infinitely more likely that Amy had misinterpreted Sheldon's actions, than that he had developed a libido. It was also extremely likely that Sheldon had acted like a jackass, just because that was what he did even when trying to be nice. Maybe he thought morning sex was a non-optional social obligation or whatever it was.

As she got closer to home, this explanation made much more sense. She took a deep breath in, feeling much less anxious than she had earlier. Surely this would all blow over once they'd both had some time to figure it out. She parked the car and made her way up to her apartment, pondering which pyjamas she should wear tonight.

Upon letting herself in and locking her front door, she was unhappy to find Sheldon sat on her sofa waiting for her.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me," she said when she saw him.

"Hello, Penny. It's nice to see you too," he began. She waved her hand at him and cut him off.

"No. Look, I just spent the whole evening being cried on by your girlfriend, who is very upset because she thinks you upped and abandoned her after she declined sex. I don't know what is going on with you two but you need to work it out for yourselves. No!" Sheldon tried to interject but she had had enough. "No! I don't want to hear it! I'm sure this is just the two of you failing to communicate and I'm sorry, but I'm not a fucking sex therapist! Keep me out of it, ok?"

She stormed past him to the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water, praying that he would just go home. But he sat quietly, hands in his lap, and that made her heart sink. He was sad, and she couldn't resist him when he was sad. He was just so sweet and pathetic and lost. She sighed heavily, and sat down next to him.

"Look, sweetie. Things with Amy will be ok once you two talk it through and work out what went wrong. You just need to go over there tomorrow and smooth it out, ok?" She tried to give him a comforting smile, but he didn't look comforted at all. Why me, she wondered. She considered sending him home, but realised putting Sheldon in a house where his roommate was most likely in the middle of sex with Priya probably wouldn't help matters.

Eventually Sheldon cleared his throat, but when he spoke his voice was smaller, quieter and more wobbly than she thought she'd ever heard it.

"Things won't be ok when I go and speak to her. Obviously Amy has given you the basic version of the facts, so I don't need to go over it all with you. But what she doesn't seem to have impressed onto you is how serious this all is. Having coitus with Amy seems to have awoken something in me, and to be honest with you I don't know how to switch it off. I had to leave when she turned me down because I was scared of my own actions! Sheldon Lee Cooper, unable to trust himself: This situation is intolerable, Penny. I don't know what to do about it."

He looked briefly into her eyes, then away again. For god's sake, she thought. This is a grown man. I cannot believe I'm about to say this to him.

"Sheldon. It's ok to be horny. Can't you just go and, you know, take care of yourself?"

He looked back at her sharply. "Don't you think I tried that?"

Rolling her eyes, she put a hand on his shoulder. "Well, sweetie, now you know how the rest of us feel all the damn time. I guess Amy just woke up your libido. It'll settle down again."

Before she knew what was happening, Sheldon crushed his lips to hers and gave her an absolute doozie of a kiss. By the time she had registered the reality of the situation it was too late and she was reciprocating, already halfway down his throat, and she had a hand at the nape of his neck pulling him closer. When she fully came to her senses she pulled away in shock. "Sheldon! What the hell?!" She tried to back away from him, but her pulse was pounding in her veins and she felt unexpectedly consumed by the desire to clamber into his lap, right here, right now, all logic and reason be damned. He was breathing hard, his face red and his hands shaking as he tried to stammer out an apology. "I'm sorry - I just feel utterly out of control - " he was muttering. Her lips felt bruised and she kept thinking that she was going to devastate Amy, but something had changed here: Sheldon The Robot had become Sheldon The Man, and was demonstrating his desire for her in no uncertain terms. And Penny felt that she just lacked the life skills - or, indeed, self-control - to say no to someone who managed to make her go from nought to this turned on in less than ten seconds.

She stopped thinking. Instead she grabbed a bunch of his shirt in her hand, pulled him closer and resumed the kiss, running her other hand briefly through his hair. He groaned; it sent shivers down her spine. All she could think was fuckmefuckmefuckme. She climbed into his lap and ground against him: Good god, he was so hard. She actually felt herself swoon.

He didn't really know what he was doing, but it didn't matter because all she wanted was his cock inside her *like right now*. She rose briefly to her feet to pull her jeans off, then undid his and climbed back on. She pulled his dick out and ran a hand up and down it: It was hot and so hard. He twitched and thrust upwards with a cry. She leaned forwards and guided him into her slowly, her face against his neck, his hands running up and down her back. She moved above him, trying to go slowly but incapable of anything but a desperate, frenzied ride: She grabbed his hand and guided his fingers to her clit, helping him push her right to the edge, and then he cried out and lost the rhythm, his nails digging sharply into her shoulders. With one more flick she got herself off too, shuddering against him with a gasp.

And then it was over just as suddenly as it had begun, and she was suddenly really aware that she was sitting in Sheldon's lap, with his dick still twitching inside her and his breath ragged and hot against her neck. She shook her head, trying to knock herself back to lucidity. His arms were around her waist, and he was looking at her with a strange expression on his face. God damn, she thought to herself. I might as well sleep with Howard too and collect the entire set.

She raised onto her knees and he slipped out of her: she couldn't help noticing that he was still hard. She shook her head again and clambered onto the couch to sit beside him. He was still looking at her.

Christ.

When she found her voice, it sounded a little too high, too thin, and sort of wobbly. This wasn't ok. "Well, Sheldon, that wasn't the best idea we've ever had." She tried to smile at him but it felt forced and ridiculous. *And he was still staring at her, for god's sake*

She forced herself to touch his arm and squeezed it. He started a little and his eyes unglazed. He blinked. This is good, she thought. Just pretend you can't see his dick and it'll all be fine.

She thought to herself that this was the longest he'd ever gone without talking since the day they'd met. If she'd known fucking him was the solution, she would have done it years ago. Before Amy came along. Instead of getting involved with Leonard.

Amy. Oh fuck, Amy.

She let him sit there in silence and rose to put her jeans back on. Her underwear was damp and sticky and clung to her. Her jeans were tight and she involuntarily shivered when the seam touched her swollen pussy as she bent over to pick up Sheldon's pants. She drew a very deep breath and held them out to him. "Here, make yourself decent," she said, faking normality because this was so weird and she didn't know what to do next.

He didn't. Oh no, instead he stood up and put his arms around her waist, and kissed her sweetly, and slowly, and his cock bobbed between them, pressing against her navel. He fucking moaned, for crying out loud.

After long seconds, he pulled away and mumbled against her lips, their noses touching, "Penny, if I had known coitus with you was like that, I believe both our lives would have taken a very different turn when we first met." His voice was low and deep, his breath hot on her mouth, his eyes looking seriously into hers. She could feel herself falling irresistibly into him, and she knew this was Very Very Very Bad, but she was powerless to stop it, especially when he kissed her once more and she reached down to stroke his dick as her other hand dropped his jeans and found that ridiculously perfect ass of his. He bucked towards her roughly. She was dying.

"Come on." She took his hand and led him to her bedroom. She half expected him to knock on the fucking door as they passed it, but he followed her in, climbed onto the bed beside her, reached out and *undid her jeans*. What was this? What the actual fuck was happening, she wondered, as his smooth hands glided over her skin, as they lost the last of their clothing and she wrapped herself around him, as his cock pushed back inside her and she felt her entire body quiver at the sensation. His head was on her shoulder, his lips against her neck, and he was thrusting into her gracefully this time, the springs in her crappy old mattress biting into her hip, his fingertips digging into her back, his left hand tangled in her hair. He was whimpering gently. She was full of him, lost as lost could be, and his pubic bone suddenly hit her clit as he missed a beat and then hot spikes rushed through her body to her very toes and she came hot and hard in his arms, letting a shriek escape her lips, digging her nails into his ass. He pushed deeply into her until it almost hurt and she knew he was coming too and it was ridiculously good and nothing even mattered now except his body, this warmth, this connection.

She drifted on the verge of sleep for some time, until the sweat on their bodies had dried, and her arm under him had gone dead. A shiver ran through her as the late night cold settled on them. She fluttered her eyes open to see him dozing beside her. He stirred as she reclaimed her tingling arm, but didn't wake up until she scooted away from him to find the blanket. Then, he looked at her in sleepy confusion for long seconds, watching as she pulled the blanket over both their shoulders and settled back into his arms.

His voice was wobbly when he found it. "Penny, do you know that Leonard can hear your toilet flushing when he is in his bedroom?"

She sighed. The thought had crossed her mind already. Nodding slowly, she ran a hand over his cheek. "I know. I'm a little worried too. But I don't see how he would know it was you. I mean, it's not like I screamed your name or anything, so I'll just make something up if he asks." Pausing, she remembered his twitching face this afternoon when she dragged him into the apartment. "I don't know what you're gonna do if he asks, though. You are a horrible liar, sweetie." She smiled gently.

A full minute passed before the question they were both avoiding crossed Sheldon's lips.

"What am I supposed to tell Amy?"

\---

When she woke at 8am - which was way too early, but they'd failed to close the drapes last night and the sunlight pouring in through the window had dragged her into the land of the living - he was gone.

This wasn't surprising at all, and was certainly not without precedent. She knew it didn't mean anything except that he wanted to make sure Leonard didn't realise he'd been gone all night. But it stung a little bit all the same, just as it always did.

Standing over the sink eating toast and pretending the pile of dirty dishes was invisible, Penny wondered what was going to happen now. Not between her and Sheldon - she was fairly certain it was a one-off occurrence - but between him and Amy.

That was a lie. She wanted to know what was going to happen with her and Amy.

Amy could be a real pain in the backside, but she was also well-meaning, generous and kind. She had endless patience, always seemed happy to explain science stuff without being a condescending ass like Sheldon, and never judged Penny, not even when Penny was judging Penny. Sometimes her admiration bordered on super creepy but for the most part she was a positive presence in Penny's life.

Right now, Penny was judging Penny for what she'd done, and this time she doubted Amy would be very understanding.

Was 9am too early to start drinking?

\--

At 10.30am, as Penny was putting on her shoes and getting ready to leave for work, Amy called and man, did she sound like hell.

"Hey, bestie. I'm sorry about last night. I hope I didn't do anything stupid before I passed out on the couch?" Her voice was thin and wobbly. Poor girl just couldn't handle her liquor.

Cradling the phone between her ear and shoulder as she left and locked the door, Penny put on her best breezy voice. "No, sweetie, you were fine. Upset, but fine." She turned to walk down the stairs: when she saw Sheldon stood there, she jumped and the phone slipped to the ground and hit it with a loud crack.

"Shit! Oh no, no, no, I cannot afford to replace this right now," Penny scooped the phone up and was relieved to see it only had one small crack along the top of the screen and seemed to still be working. She waved at Sheldon and bustled past him, pressing the phone to her ear and exclaiming, "Ames! I just dropped the phone!" It was way too obvious that she was making a point, apparently even to Sheldon, who didn't pursue her down the stairs. Amy was rambling on but she was barely listening.

"- anyway, he is coming over and I think we're going to be ok."

Opening the car door, Penny suddenly heard what was being said, and stopped dead. She gripped the phone. "What? What do you mean, he's come up with a solution?" The car door was hot under her hand, the sun already high in the sky. She squinted in the bright light as she glanced involuntarily up to Sheldon's window.

"Penny, are you not listening to me? I told you. Sheldon says he has found a way to deal with his... shall we say, urges, and agreed to hold off on coitus again for the foreseeable future. We're rolling the relationship back to when it was last working, which was two days ago. I'm so relieved."

Penny felt her heart speed up. What did that mean? That spending the night with her had cured him somehow? She felt dizzy and her mouth was dry, suddenly. She cleared her throat roughly. "Um, that's great. Look, I gotta go to work. Later." She hung up the phone and shoved it into the pocket of her uniform, but instead of getting in the car she just stood there.

I should go to work, she told herself. Get in the damn car, drive to the Cheesecake Factory, work a shift, come home and get into bed. Do not go back up there. Whatever he wants can just wait.

But this was Sheldon and she knew he never waited for anyone. If she went to work now, he would just show up at the lunch rush and hassle her when she tried to wait on him. She ran a hand over her face, then pulled her phone out again and called in sick. Kim didn't seem bothered: Penny often came into work hungover but she never skipped shifts, so this wasn't likely to ruffle any feathers. The air was hot and dry as she drew a very long breath in, and let it slowly out. The sun reflected off the car's sole wing mirror, bouncing as she slammed the door closed and locked it, then marched back into the building and up the stairs.

She let herself into 4a, and Sheldon jumped to his feet. He wasn't at work, she suddenly realised, even though it was Monday. He had been sat on the couch reading a comic book until her arrival. The comic now fell to the floor, and she cringed, hoping the pages wouldn't get damaged: he'd never let her hear the end of it if she contributed to the destruction of another one of his toys.

Her voice came out way too loud. "Sheldon, what the hell did you say to Amy?"

A strange look passed over his face for a second, a look she didn't recognise. Sighing deeply, he folded his hands together and cleared his throat.

"I merely told her that she didn't need to worry about me pursuing her for further sessions of coitus - not that it's any of your business, Penny.

"I sense that you have concerns about this. There's no need for this. I did not tell Amy what happened between us last night, and I have no intentions of doing so in the future."

She narrowed her eyes, scrutinising him. Was he lying? No twitching face, no bizarre extraneous details to the story and no fluttering about. He was telling her the truth. She breathed out, unaware that she'd been holding her breath, and sank heavily onto the couch. She nodded. "Um. Ok. Thank you, Sheldon."

He went to the kitchen, presumably to make her a hot beverage that she didn't want. She scrubbed her hands across her face. Something still didn't make sense. "Amy... Amy said you told her you had come up with a solution. What did you mean by that?"

He filled the kettle much more slowly than was necessary, before turning to face her. He was clearly pondering how to respond. "Does it matter? The important thing here is that, as you rightly told me, things between Amy and I will be alright. I see no need to explain myself any further. Now, I'm all out of milk because Leonard is a dreadfully inadequate roommate, so I trust herbal tea will suffice to comfort you?"

She nodded impatiently. Her mind was racing. What was she so upset about? Did she honestly think Sheldon's "solution" was to keep sleeping with her? And - was she upset in case it was, or in case it wasn't?

This is what you get, she told herself, for sleeping with any man who looks at you with lust in his eyes: a big old mess, this weird feeling in your stomach, and fucking chaos. She so very much did not want to examine why she had done the deed with him last night. She wanted to file it away in a little box, next to the other boxes labelled "Raj" and "Kurt" and "guy in van" and get on with her life. The "why" did not need to be looked at, ever.

But she had to know what the hell Dr Whackadoodle was planning. She just had to. She cursed herself for being so impulsive and self-destructive.

"Sheldon." Her voice sounded high-pitched and tiny. Dammit. She cleared her throat and willed herself to be calm, and sensible and Better Than This. "Sheldon, does this solution involve me in any way?"

Long seconds dragged by as the question burned in the air of the quiet apartment. The sun streamed through the windows and reflected off the television, producing the glare Sheldon's spot avoided. Still making herbal tea, he took his time before turning to face her once more, his expression indecipherable. For once, Penny found herself trying to read Sheldon, rather than the other way around. The silence thickened between them, and she felt her entire body grow hot as he moved slowly around the counter and towards her, his eyes dark, for once not speaking in words. The tea sat forgotten behind him as he stood before her and moved his face close to hers, finally finding his voice and murmuring, "I'd like it to, if you would too," against her lips.

Penny had no witty comeback; all she had was white-hot desire as she felt his hard-on pressing against her. No. No no no no no NO, she said to herself, do NOT do this, because once is a mistake but twice is a big mistake and three times in 24 hours is An Actual Thing and there was no way in hell she was getting involved in An Actual Thing with Sheldon fucking Cooper.

"Sheldon - Sheldon, stop." She forced the words out even as her arms were sliding around his waist, even as she wanted to hitch her leg up around his waist and cradle him tightly against her. He was moving in to kiss her but did, to his credit, actually listen to her for once and pulled away long enough to mutter, "I can't."

Drawing the deepest breath of her life, and calling on forces of self-control Penny had always been sure she lacked, she stepped away from him. Her entire body hummed with desire; she wanted to scream. She turned and opened the door, and left the apartment as quickly as her wobbling legs would carry her, without looking back.

\---

It was late evening by the time Penny mustered up the courage to check her phone. She was surprised that he hadn't pursued her to request a ride to Amy's apartment - dead relieved, because that would not have gone well at all, but surprised because Sheldon wasn't exactly known for recognising boundaries, even when they were set out right in front of his face.

She supposed she was also a tiny bit disappointed, because if he had chased her it would have been so easy to let go of that shred of self control, and then justify it later as "he made me do it." It had taken all afternoon and three enormous glasses of white wine for her to stop shaking every time she thought about that look in his eye. She was pretending that the hour and a half she'd spent in bed with that mental image and her vibrator had never happened.

Now she was tired, and the desire had dropped back to a low hum, and the alcohol in her system was making her feel dopey and beyond caring. Peeling herself off the couch, she retrieved the phone from the pocket of her work uniform, which was still crumpled in a pile on the floor of the bedroom with her underwear. She had three missed calls from Amy. She sighed.

As if on cue, the phone began to ring in her hands. For god's sake, she thought, how did he know?! His smiling face glowed insistently up at her. She felt a stab of warmth between her legs, and allowed herself the luxury of savouring it for a long second before answering, putting on her best normal voice.

"Yeah, Sheldon, what is it?"

She started picking up all the crap that was strewn on the floor, looking for something to do, anything that would distract her from the sound of his voice.

"Penny, Amy has given me her blessing to have coitus with whomever I want. Are you home?"

She froze.

He was at the damn door. She knew it. She knew it before he could knock, and she threw the door open to see him standing there, eyes wide, phone to his ear. Her knees felt weak as she pulled him in and closed the door, all sense and reason be damned.

**Author's Note:**

> To be continued, unless the muse deserts me!


End file.
